On the darkest day of my life, I swallowed a fist full of pills and stood at my pool’s edge, ready to end it all. But something stopped me. To understand how I wound up there, I first have to tell you where I started.
How It Started
I was always an overachiever. When I was a little girl, I was taught that there was always a solution to everything because I was brought up by a Colombian mother. When you’re a first-generation American, there’s always a lot of pressure on the kids to be Spanish at home and American in the streets. Because of that, I found ways around almost everything. I became an instant solution finder. I am thankful for her allowing me the privilege of free thought at such a young age.
At the age of 10, the beautiful divine light that was my mother left the planet. I’d think, woe is me, poor Michelle. Look at all these things I had to endure in life. And the more I believed in that, the more I attracted pain, suffering and more things to feel bad about. Shortly after my mom passed, my dad picked me up from middle school and drove me three hours away to a foster home for kids. He kept my brothers and my sister and gave me away. From then until 2015, my story was one of suffering. The more I believed that, the more pain I attracted.
In an effort to make my mom proud, I worked hard to accomplish my goals. Despite my success, I always felt sad and alone. That continued. And it festered. It grew until I thought the only reason people would like me was if I had a shiny crown or was pretty enough or smart enough or had something to offer them. Down I went on the path of rock bottom thoughts.
I encountered sexual predators at the orphanage, yet I persevered and got myself to college. Then I married the first guy who was nice to me. Our 19-year relationship was filled with complete and utter mental and emotional abuse. I was a successful entrepreneur, but I was also scared and depressed. Everywhere I went, I was a wrecking ball. I didn’t care who I hurt. I didn’t care what I had to do. I didn’t care who I had to manipulate.
I lived in a terrible home with my then-husband, and I cried every single day. Even on days when I would get on stage and give a speech about being an entrepreneur, how to achieve success, what Latin women could do, it didn’t matter. I was always on the trajectory of a suicide attempt. I had failed businesses and failed pregnancies – I have C-section scars with no babies. I constantly lived in fear. I had agreed to my life of pain until finally, in 2015, I filed for divorce. When I did, I believed that nothing else would matter in life – that if my Dad didn’t love me and gave me away and my husband didn’t love me, then I sure as hell didn’t and would never love myself.
The Breaking Point
I went to overpasses, taking notes, I wanted to make it look like an accident. But no matter what, I always had love for my nieces, nephews and animals in my life and thinking about one of them dying in that car, I couldn’t even imagine that.
I didn’t see the point of living, so right after my divorce, I hired a psychologist who wrote me a prescription for Xanax and Adderall. Instead of taking them as prescribed, I saved them and started planning my suicide. I wanted off this planet, and I wanted off this planet now. Then the day came when I was ready to do something about it. I swallowed a fistful of pills and stood by the edge of the pool.
At that time, I had four wild and crazy dogs, Jackson, Oliver, Gordo, and Charlie. As I stood by the pool, the dogs came out of my house. In order of tallest to smallest, they sat in a line and stared at me. I’ve taken so many photos of them, and I have never gotten them to sit still. It was at that moment I realized I was at rock bottom and that I couldn’t leave them. I got help getting the pills out of my system and decided the rest of my life had to be different. That rock bottom moment of clarity allowed me to change every single thing about my life. I knew the rest of my life had to be different, because everything I had done so far had not worked. This allowed me to change every single thing about my life.
The Road To Recovery
Whether it’s cancer, alcoholism, divorce, death of a loved one, disease, or an assault, whatever your rock bottom is that connects you to my story – remember that you’re still here. If you were meant to be gone, you’d be gone. When it’s your time to go, you will go. So the fact that you’re here and listening is a miracle.
Not going through with my suicide plan started my journey towards the evolution of Michelle. I studied religions: Buddhism, Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. I learned about modalities: crystals, fire, light, nature, and the laws of the universe. I implemented various practices: understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, beauty, gratitude, and a good attitude. I became addicted to the energy that was driving me. My soul was shifting. I was getting downloads. I was training to use this energy.
It led me back to school to study mindfulness cognitive training. The more I learned, the more I let go of this false reality. I began evolving into a manifesting manifestor. I could think of something, and it would appear – from ladybugs to apples to Oprah Winfrey. There wasn’t anything that I couldn’t attract into my life. And it all started when I hit rock bottom and understood that there was a higher purpose for my life.
Evolving Into A Manifestor
The more I educated myself on manifestation, the less I wanted to be a publicist. I went to my Instagram and changed my title from publicist to manifestation expert. From there, I started getting unbelievable things into my life. Every day was better than the last, and it’s still going strong. Sure, I still have bad days, but they happen less and less frequently, and I started to see them differently.
When you’re not okay with who you are, you’re always closer to rock bottom than you are to your miracles. The old Michelle was in a low vibrational state where rock bottom was always an option. I was out of alignment. When I became honest about who I was and what I wanted, I could see clearly for the first time, and the same can be true for you.
You Can Evolve Too
I know this is hard to hear if you’re in pain, but don’t give up. Start investing in your joy, your path, and your purpose. I need you. The collective needs you. Don’t give in to those low vibrational fears. I know that you can find happiness if you try. It’s just as easy to be positive as it is to be negative. There’s no calorie difference. But you can’t just say it. You have to find things that bring you joy.
Here’s what you need to learn. Here’s the takeaway. Whether you have or haven’t hit rock bottom, you are still here, and nothing else matters. Once you understand that you are not in charge of when you leave, you can start to see that your evolution is waiting for you.
You have a path and a purpose. You didn’t come here just to suffer. Our sufferings are opportunities for our souls to evolve and learn that lesson. We are not meant to live in that reality forever.
You are a perfect divine, beautiful, incredible, loving, gracious, giving, healthy, and powerful light being. Please believe that. You’re still here because you have value. You have a purpose. And I need you to think more about that.